Back in 2009, we sat down for the first exclusive interview with The Recession. Pale, drunk, and self-loathing, he spun an erratic tale of insecurity and dejection. And then, for a full five years, he went silent. We thought we had heard the last of this unpredictable character until just a few weeks ago, when we started receiving some odd direct messages on Facebook and Twitter. The Recession, it turned out, wanted a follow-up interview.
"You again! I’m just... [Turns distractedly to his computer screen] I’m just… AARGH! Unbelievable! I keep trying to incite a bitcoin crash, but the stupid price just keeps going up!! [Puts head in hands, breathes heavily, curses the Winklevoss twins.]
I mean, nothing is going right for me these days. The NASDAQ is through the roof. M&A is crazy strong. Even magazines are making money. And you know what’s worse? I just keep getting my hopes up that trouble is right around the corner.
I got so excited during the Eurozone crisis. I just knew the PIIGS could make a mess of things. I mean—Greece? That’s like the AOL of countries. Italy? That place reminds me of Enron, but without the solid initial business model. And then Merkozy went and bailed those guys out?! I was devastated.
I got all pumped up again when we had the government shutdown and the sequester. Senator Ted Cruz—what a gift! What promise! Butterflies in my stomach and everything! But the whole thing just blew over. And then the US found oil, and everyone went all gooey for Silicon Valley. God, I hate that guy Zuckerberg. [Overly-belabored moans.]
Nobody even pays attention to me anymore. I spend hours, every single day, trying to remind you people that I’m still here. I’m constantly tweeting.* I’ve coined literally hundreds of hashtags: #TheRecession, #TheGreatRecession, #BringHomeOurRecession, #Panic, #PanicPlease, #HeyYou, #LookAtMe, #PayAttentionToMePlease, #Recession4eva, #UpYoursZuck. Okay, to be honest I didn’t come up with the last one. I just said that to get your attention.
I’m pretty addicted to attention, I guess. It’s a little embarrassing. I’ve been Instagramming a lot of selfies lately. I even started posting pictures of my meals, just hoping that somebody would ‘like’ them. I guess deep down I know it’s pretty unlikely that anyone will ‘like’ the 70th straight shot of instant ramen.
It’s okay, though, I’ve got some new tricks up my sleeve. I’m learning how to twerk! I’m looking into the pompadour-on-top-but-shaved-on-the-side Bieber hairdo. Oh, and I’ve also gotten big-time into online dating! Tinder, J-Date, Match.com—I’m pretty much up for anything. Literally, it doesn’t matter who you are, I’ll do whatever you want. Please write me.
Oh? What’s that? You know, yes, okay, I will have a drink, thank you Chief Investment Officer. That’s really nice of you. Actually, you know what? Maybe I could ask you a little favor as well. Do you think we could stir up a little panic together? Just for giggles. Like, maybe tomorrow, you can just blog something funny. Something hilarious like, “US Out of Paper, Stops Printing Dollars,” or, “Shale Oil Actually Poo.” Really whatever you want. Anything to put these insufferably upbeat markets in their place!
No? No, you won’t do that?
Well, do you maybe want to go to a movie? Not that either? Well, can I just put my head on your shoulder? Just tell me I’m somebody, okay? Oh God, I just don’t know when this nightmare is going to end."
* As Chief Investment Officer went to press, The Recession had two Twitter followers, both of which appeared to be bots.