Christmas came late for us at CIO—January 6 to be precise. But boy oh boy, was it worth the wait.

“I receive an obscene number of holiday cards from hedge funds,” an asset owner wrote in an email. “I barely care when friends send cards with pictures of their kids... I certainly don’t feel my heart warmed by a <redacted> card.”

Attached was a photo of 20 or so greeting card envelopes piled on a chipped desk, crowding out a keyboard and mouse. “P.S. This is only a fraction of the cards—I’ve thrown away most of them.”

We had no idea this was a thing.

“It’s totally a thing,” wrote another institutional investor. “At the last place I worked, we had some pretty intense competitions on quantity and quality. Scoring was based on whether it was addressed to you by name, was hand-signed, had a donation in your name, included a family photo, etc.”

And thus begins a new tradition for CIO: The annual Asset Manager Holiday Card Review. It’s a highlight reel of the best, worst, and truly pitiful of this weird ritual. Firms that made the cut: Congratulations! You send less boring holiday cards than two-thirds of your competitors.

To asset owners inundated with these tree-killers every December: Now you have a better place for them than the shredder: CIO Magazine, C/O Leanna Orr, 805 Third Avenue, 21st Floor, New York, NY, 10022.

Happy Holidays!

Two Firms, Same Card

Graham Capital Management &
Och-Ziff Capital Management Prom wear shops have dress
registries, whereby a young
lady is guaranteed against the
nightmare of showing up in the
same strapless taffeta number
as that b%^&! from chemistry.
The Robin Hood Foundation’s
holiday imprint division does
not have such a registry.

The Big Names

Bridgewater Associates Lest anyone forget Ray Dalio’s
Connecticut brainchild is the
world’s biggest hedge fund,
please enjoy the world’s biggest
holiday card. At a mailing cost
of $1.42 per envelope, Bridgewater
also supports the United States
Postal Service at the time of
seasonal giving.

DE Shaw Group “Best wishes for 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x
2 x 3 x 3 x 7 from the DE Shaw
Group.” Signed, Lovable Quant
Nerds.

KKR Award for fewest number of
words (15) AND least punctuation
(one clutch apostrophe) goes to
private equity giant KKR. Is this
some subliminal messaging about
your fees?

Carlyle Group The guys at Bridgewater and
KKR hand-signed each card,
none of this photocopied
signature business. Just sayin’.

BlackRock A sterile number about as
welcoming as BlackRock’s
ominous Manhattan
headquarters—until the long
cheery note inside. Mr. Fink,
too bad you have a bazillion
employees, because this writer
deserves a gold star.

Guggenheim Partners Trust a bond shop to send
the least risky greeting card
imaginable—and keep a staffer
in over the holidays to do so.
(Postmark: December 28.)

JP Morgan Asset Management JPMAM, props on cornering
the CIO readership market.
Our hastily gathered sample
turned up a record three copies
of this Wall Street giant’s card.
Confusingly, only one had
a printed image of dancing
gingerbread men glued inside.

Jokes ’R Us

Golub Capital Dear Golub Capital, you are an
absolute maniac and never let
this business take that away
from you.

Hound Partners Google tells me this is a $3
billion Tiger Cub with a super-
concentrated equity long-short
portfolio. This card tells me
Hound Partners has mad guts
and zero regard for basic
grammar. (E.g. “pair of Kyle’s,
a couple of David’s”.)

Albourne Partners ... I’m confused.

Team Pics

Riverbridge Partners Number of cards that make
clients feel like they’re being
attacked by possibly rabid
hunting dogs? 1. Number of
card wishing clients a “Merry
Christmas.” 1.
#EndTheWarOnChristmas
#TrumpNation #BenghaziTRUTH

UBS Capital Consultancy Business in the front, Asian office
cosplay in the back. UBS’ capital
consultants—is that code for cap
intro?—win the ‘Team We’d Most
Like to Get Weird With’ award.

Phoned In

Greenwoods Asset Management Why is this not an email??!?

Eagle Capital Management See above.

Donation In Your Honor

Hotchkis & Wiley The Los Angeles stock pickers
keep their ballyhooed research
game tight with the charity pick:
A local homeless-assistance group.
Their tech skills, not so much.
 FYI: Website links don’t actually
function in print.

T Rowe Price The Hillary Clinton of holiday
cards: The message is all “hope”
and “gender equality”; the money
is all Wall Street.

PDT Partners Bravo PDT, for sharing what
you donated—a class set of
Chromebooks—along with
where. (Asset owner: “No
one does that.”) The photo of
ambitious young Bronxster
recipients is nice; hiring a few
of them as interns is better.

Wellington Management Wellington doesn’t reveal its
chosen “five global charities.”
Guess we’ll have to make it up:
Boston Hospital for Indexing
Injuries, Girls Who Pick Stocks,
Analysts Afloat, Mutual Fund
History Month, and 2017
Endowment for Colored Card Ink.

Trian Partners Who is that creepy man
crouching in the woods on your
holiday card, and is he aware
that Dick Cheney still hunts?

And an Old-Fashioned Gift

<Top Secret> A $61 box of oranges; or, The
Last Gasp of Luxury Gifting
From Managers to Institutional
Allocators.

Finance Themed

INTECH (Janus Group) INTECH WHY ARE YOU YELLING
YOUR NAME?!?!

COEX Partners Does this come in tattoo form?

Brenham Capital Management “It’s been quite a ride!” says
Dallas energy hedge fund from
the fetal position, sealing envelopes
with tears.

Kid Art

River Road Asset Management The world is a tough and
unforgiving place Ben, 13, and
it’s time you learn a hard lesson:
Gumdrops make terrible roof
tiles. They leak; they attract
vermin; that gingerbread man’s
wife will be nagging him all
summer long to go up and patch
the frosting. Welcome to life, kid.
It’s all soggy gumdrops from here
on out.

Neuberger Berman Who created this 12-year-old wee
genius (“Saif”)? Watch your back,
Erik Knutzen. First Saif is adding
“color” to your clients’ day, then
he’s handing you the crayons and
the only mandate you’ve got is
next year’s snowman picture.

A Custom Job

Jennison Associates Cardstock so sturdy it could
have patched the Titanic. Richly
embossed with silver should you
need to trade for safe passage
from pirate-controlled waters.

From CIO’s Owners...

Genstar Capital (Hi Bosses!) If you thought I was going to take
it easy on you just because you
pay my salary, you’ve got a—
[Ed. Note: The remainder of this
message has been redacted for
reasons of continued employment
and good judgment.]

Photography by Katja Heinemann